Friday, May 25, 2018

VHS Review: Slow Normals "realmagic666FM" [PART 6]

$15 //
Edition of 13 // //

Now I see a bed, but the same eternal questions are being asked.  Is this a hotel room?   Whirrs like dirtbikes come through in rhythm now.   We appear to be touring this place which seems to not be a hotel.  Oh, look a walk in closet.   The sounds almost feel like hip hop because of the way they start to sing.   We get some of that black and white static but we're still on a tour of this house, which includes a wallsafe by the way.    I like the tile in the bathroom though.    This garage is a mess though.  What is all this junk?

The music whirrs back in as if a spacecraft is taking off.    Bicycles!   I'm not really sure if homie in the blue is showing off their own house or if it's like this guided tour through the house of a serial killer.  "This is where he kept all the bodies..."   The frequencies feel like a storm now and we're looking at things for a baby and an exercise bike-- one of those ones that doesn't move and you just pedal to nowhere.    And now there is a glass sign that says someone is a lawyer.   This is all so bizarre.   Look at that hot water heater!

Video game destruction glitch is how the music takes a turn now.   Whirrs circle through the black and white static as colors try and come through.   There are words on the screen but I cannot make them out, the tape is too distorted.    Laser shots blast through space now.  It appears as if the image is of a half naked woman posing on a bed and though the image moves she does not.   Very retro space-like sounds now with some guy's face on the screen.  It feels like a news report and could be about the aliens finally landing to destroy us all.

Rap comes through about "I got cocaine" now and these beats are huge plus a live drumkit.   Is this sampled from something or is this a Slow Normals original?  It's quite cool and the bass gets funky.   We're looking at maybe a priest or something now too.   Ok, the names going through as credits now definitely give this away as Monty Python.   If you ever go to a thrift store (I prefer Savers) you will find a lot of random Monty Python VHS tapes and sometimes even sets but never complete or in the right order.  It's always like "The Best Of" but they only have volumes 9, 13 and 14.
This bass and drum combination is getting funky still, but it's really distorted bass and it's just playing so well together it makes me feel kind of like it doesn't match the video but who am I to say.   Two guys appear to be talking as the music is breaking down.   Is this woman bowling?  No, she looks like a tattoo.   A violent cello sound comes through next but the drums are still here so perhaps the same musical piece as from before.  I keep feeling like I'm seeing glimpses of 9/11 spliced in here.   Now we hear some sax for that freaky free style jazz.

And now people are swearing because I feel like their song got ruined by the ringing of a cellphone.  Deep bass sludge rock comes in next and we're watching a video from Tommy Boy, you know the rap label.   It's talking about non-stop dance music while the rock music grinds out over it.   It said MTv and now MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Digital Underground and I even think Depeche Mode.  There are a lot of good names floating through here-- I kind of want to see this video now, as the guitar gets all bluesy.    Oh, this appears to be an ad for a compilation without video-- it says to get it on cassette.   Haha, bring it on!!

Club Mtv Party To Go got up and went.   Sega!   No, wait, it says LP, cassette, CD and home video.   Damn, they weren't messing around.   If I find someone who owns that compilation on all four formats we will instantly become best friends.   Now we're watching "Cops" with thrash electronics over it and it's uncensored because the guy held down on the ground was not edited.   I believe the Club Mtv Party To Go before is Volume 1, as there are different volumes apparently, and now we're watch Cops: Too Hot For TV!  Didn't you just love these videos back in the day- like with Jerry Springer- where'd they release the things they couldn't show on tv?   Now you can own what was once $19.95 for a dollar or less.

This really feels like something you'd watch late at night as you go from an infomercial feel to now "Cops"... We just need to wake up in the morning and watch whatever is on at like 6 or 7 am.   I remember when they used to play Saved by the Bell on TBS that early.  I'd watch it before school.  That was cool.    Now this guy's face has a sort of white mask over it like a skeleton.   And that woman hiding the bathtub is naked.   She's attacking that guy hahahaha.

Electronics drift out and then come to a close.  We're looking at a city in black and white, shades of orange and red, as the music feels as if we are dropping off of one of them.   Now there is traffic and the music, that soft rumble of feedback, gains some beeping.    Why is that guy walking in the street?  This has a heavy drone set now.   Ambient tones come through as we are taken to the country and a bridge.   Not sure who this guy in the glasses is but he looks important.    This could be the same jazzercise as from before but I'm just sad it's not Richard Simmons.    It's definitely a woman with yoga pants and a sports bra but when I was a kid I used to think Richard Simmons was a woman so I have no real sense of gender anyway.

Why are all these women smiling?  Is it because they lost weight with this workout plan?  This is so weird and fake feeling.   I'm waiting for the screen to say "Not an actor".    The exercise is coming through in slow motion.    This is the dawning of some new exercise now.  From the ashes, rise the exercisebots.   This could actually make for a rather terrifying movie: "She's getting her life together by getting back in shape... no one can stop her... she's got a Starbucks coffee and would like to speak with your manager".    This cuts off as someone is pointing at something and we switch to blue screen which I do believe means we have reached the end. 

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