The show opens with a rather funny spot about how you wouldn't steal certain items from the wrestlers so don't download this show illegally. And yet their website says PROGRESS Wrestling is all punk rock... But yeah, I can get why they won't outright say "Be punk rock! Bootleg this show!"
Jim Smallman is in the ring and he says that we will see the Global Cruiserweight Classic qualifying matches tonight. He says, as the dude from WWN did, that the matches could be shown in full on WWE.com and what not. The crowd begins chanting "Don't fucking swear" and he says not to chant that during those matches, which I laughed at a bit too loudly. He says not to say cunt a lot and the crowd laughs. I do enjoy how the companies putting on the GCC qualifying matches have to essentially tell their crowds to behave before the matches. It speaks volumes as to what WWE is about these days.
Mark Haskins is introduced and he cuts a promo. Haskins says we will see some of the best wrestlers not just in the UK but in the entire fucking world and the crowd chants "Don't fucking swear" at him. Haskins goes on to basically ask Smallman for a title shot. Smallman basically agrees to it rather easily and I feel like I'm watching a British sitcom right now.
Smallman introduces the crew at ringside and says there is only one rule, which I think the crowd chanted as "Don't get hit" but they might have said "Don't get lit". Onto the show!
Match One: Damian O'Connor vs. Michael Dante (PROGRESS Atlas Title Round Robin Tournament Block B Match)
The crowd chanted "Michael! Michael! Michael fucking Dante!" Then they chanted "Hey! Ho! Damo!" These fans really love their chants. And apparently the fans in the UK love Big Damo for some reason as well. At least in this match he's fighting someone more his size and I'm pleased with that. It was also noted on commentary that this match is in a tournament for wrestlers of a certain size and so it makes sense both these guys are big. I can't remember who I saw Damo fight in TNA and I don't want to look it up but he did face Roderick Strong at the RevPro Epic Encounter and won, so there's that. Dante is just a big bald guy with a beard and tattoos. I'm not sure who he reminds me of exactly but he just feels like so many created superstars in WWE video games. Big Damo just makes me believe that he should be in a match against Donovan Dijak to see who I care about the least. I seriously don't mind watching big guys fight a hard hitting style, I could watch Takeshi Morishima vs. Samoa Joe all day, but if ROH was WWE I feel like they'd bring Damo in as the British cousin of War Machine. Kevin Kelly and Steve Corino would constantly wonder on commentary whether he was Warbeard Hanson or Raymond Rowe's cousin though. It could work, you know. Maybe I should be an ROH booker. Maybe not. Michael Dante won this match and I'm glad because if you lose to Big Damo and are not Roderick Strong than I will think of you as being a worse professional wrestler than Shrek. Has anyone made a Big Damo meme with Shrek yet? I might have to do it. So Damo goes off to face Michael Elgin some other time and we get to hear the angry, angry music of Dante one more time. An all right match for what it was.
Jim Smallman comes out and gives the crowd ten seconds to get all of the swearing out of their system. I like this guy, he's funny. Does he do stand up comedy anywhere? Can someone link me to some YouTube videos of him doing stand up comedy?
Match Two: "Flash" Morgan Webster vs. Zack Sabre Jr. (Global Cruiserweight Series British Qualifying Match)
This is a bit of a strange match before it even gets started because Zack Sabre Jr. was at one point announced for the GCC and then his name was taken back and he had to go through a qualifying match, which felt in a lot of ways like it spoiled the outcome of this match. But, I mean, Zack Sabre Jr. is the best technical wrestler alive today so does he really need a qualifying match? The same can be said about Noam Dar, to the extent that he was announced for the GCC then made to compete in a qualifying match which he won. Oh well. I'll never pass up a chance to see Zack Sabre Jr. and based on the fact that I'd likely watch this show to see the next match this is just an added bonus of sorts. This is my first time seeing "Flash" Morgan Webster so it is up to him to impress me since I know who is winning. A "This is PROGRESS" chant starts right away. Just based on his ring entrance and attire, I'm digging Morgan Webster. The crowd spends a lot of time chanting and singing. They are a rowdy bunch. Zack Sabre Jr. gets the win with a submission hold I've never seen before but Morgan Webster put up a hell of a fight and he has nothing to be ashamed of here. If Zack Sabre Jr. wins this whole GCC thing (and I think he might) then Morgan Webster could become a huge rival for him after that because of this match.
Match Three: Jack Gallagher vs. Pete Dunne (Global Cruiserweight Series British Qualifying Match)
We head right into our next match. I've read ahead (Sorry) and know that Jack Gallagher is going to win here and as such have seen him fighting some of the best matches against guys like Davey Richards. I recently saw Pete Dunne for the first time on RevPro Epic Encounter where he defeated ACH. Gallagher is the obvious face in this match and Dunne is the heel, based upon the crowd reactions. Now, even though I read about who qualified before I watched this show, it did kind of feel like at times that Pete Dunne was going to win and that bit of suspense made this match that great. I'm not sure how anyone can beat Zack Sabre Jr. in the GCC but if anyone can do it, Jack Gallagher might be able to do it. At this point though, I really believe anyone could win this GCC and that's perhaps what I love most about it. Also, Pete Dunne put up a hell of an effort in this match and I look forward to seeing more of him in PROGRESS and RevPro now.
Match Four: Damon Moser vs. William Eaver (Natural Progression Series III Final Match)
Damon Moser reminds me of Mike Bennett for some reason and William Eaver comes out to "Personal Jesus" and though he looks a bit like Chris Hero he wants to be Jesus as he is even introduced as "Pastor". I'm not 100% certain but I'd imagine that if Jesus was a professional wrestler he would come out in similar gear to that of William Eaver. The crowd starts chanting "Fuck 'em up Jesus fuck 'em up", which is wrong but somewhat funny. Moser has a lot of tattoos. Why do so many wrestlers have so many tattoos? Don't answer that, I'm pretty sure I know the answer. Moser hits some vicious looking knees in the corner and then a huge coast to coast dropkick but he only gets a two count. (It'd be a Van Terminator but there was no chair) Eaver enjoys his upper cuts. The two end up fighting in the crowd. Then they get back into the ring. This match goes on for quite a while and these two men are just beating the hell out of each other. William Eaver turns a Razor's Edge into a powerbomb but Moser kicks out and moves Eaver over for a two count of his own. Both of these men are leaving everything in the ring tonight. As Moser has some momentum going off the ropes, Eaver hits him with a lariat (which is apparently a finisher of his) and gets the three count and a nice trophy. Oh, and a World Title shot whenever he wants as well, which is pretty cool. I do prefer the trophy to WWE's briefcase. The two show respect after the match, shaking hands and hugging and that was an all around fun match to watch. Wow.
Match Five: Dahlia Black & Elizabeth vs. Jinny & Pollyanna
This is announced as a mystery partner tag team match. Pollyanna comes out first and then Dahlia Black comes out with some guy. As the commentator checks in he says this is a "pick your opponents partner match" and Jinny comes out first to team with Pollyanna while Elizabeth teams with Dahlia Black. As Jinny comes out, she gets into the face of a woman in the crowd and security kind of stands in between them. That was like something Buh Buh Dudley did back in the old days of ECW. The commentator says that Pollyanna and Jinny have had some bitter feuds against each other and are not really friends. I guess just having a solid tag team match isn't an option when you can add a gimmick like this to it. Sure, the idea of Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch not being friends but fighting for a common cause worked in WWE (sort of) but I'm not sure how I feel about picking your opponent's partner especially when it is my first time seeing the women of PROGRESS (and RevPro didn't have a women's match so this is some of my first exposure to women's wrestling in the UK) So one of these guys- the one that came out with Dahlia Black- is apparently TK Cooper and someone named Chad Sexsmith came out and ran him off. Okay. Nothing like distracting from the women in the ring with, um, men. I feel like Dahlia Black is the only woman in this match with a decent ring name. They all have okay enough gimmicks, but where did they get these names? Pollyanna had stories some generation read as a child so that's just like bringing out a redhead and calling her Pippi. Jinny sounds like "Jenny" which is an amazingly common name just like Elizabeth. Could you imagine a male professional wrestler simply called Johnny or Edward? Yeah, let's think up some better names here, shall we? Elizabeth hits a backstabber and pins Jinny. Funny, the partners were picked and those who picked them didn't even factor into the finish. Things begin breaking down between these four women, three of which have incredibly generic names. How would you feel if Nikki Storm- who I believe is from the UK and recently signed with WWE- was simply known as Nikki? That'd be kind of weird, right? So you see my point. Give the women more, PROGRESS!
Match Six: Joe Coffey vs. Rampage Brown (PROGRESS Atlas Title Round Robin Tournament Block B Match)
So this is another match of big men, like the one earlier where Big Damo lost. I'm not sure I've seen either of these guys before but I've at least heard of Rampage Brown before because I always think he's Rampage Jackson for some reason. I'm like, "What's the UFC guy doing back in pro rasslin'?" because that's how I talk. Joe Coffey is out first and he has an Iron Man mask on and comes out to the Black Sabbath song. Could his Iron Man mask be silver though for War Machine? Have Joe Coffey and Big Damo fought? Have they teamed together? Were Hanson and Raymond Rowe informed? It's interesting enough just to imagine the ring possibly breaking from all the POWER. Rampage Brown comes out to one of those metalcore songs where you can sing along word. by. word. and there are double bass drum beats. I realize Seth Rollins had these songs coming up before he was ever in WWE but I feel like CM Punk made it famous when he had Killswitch Engage as his WWE theme. Now too many wrestlers have songs that sound like KSE and too many wrestlers want to be CM Punk. Oh well. What can I do but complain on the internet? These guys are both big and this looks like it should be good. I think back to Ryback crying over equal pay in WWE and how any of the four guys we've seen in this Atlas Title Round Robin Tournament so far could easily replace him in WWE and do a much better job than he ever did. (Yes, even Damo. I mean, I'm not a fan of Damo, but I still like him better than Ryback) I mean, I did watch Moose vs. Michael Elgin, so not all big guys are bad. Both men got one point for this match because it ended in a time limit draw, which means the winner probably wouldn't have gone on to face Dante. You know, a lot of what we saw in this match was what I'd expect to see from smaller guys. From Coffey swinging Brown around and then slingshotting him into the corner... This is something you see your typical sized wrestlers doing or even cruiserweights and think it's impressive. But the size of these two... It was unfathomable. That was an amazing match.
Match Seven: FSU (Eddie Dennis & Mark Andrews) & The London Riots (James Davis & Rob Lynch) vs. The Origin (Dave Mastiff, El Ligero, Nathan Cruz & Zack Gibson)
The interesting thing about this match is that two tag teams are on one side and a faction is on the other side so those who are used to working together already (The Origin) should have the advantage. El Ligero comes out masked with bull horns. He is with Nathan Cruz and they are called "The Origin" before we see Mastiff and Gibson. Did Cage Match go and mess up on me? Ah, Cruz says Mastiff and Gibson couldn't make it tonight, so maybe they are part of The Origin after all. Cruz provokes Eddie Dennis who comes running up to them and then gets jumped by Dave Mastiff. The commentator confirms all four of these guys are part of The Origin (apologies to Cage Match) as Zack Gibson jumps The London Riots from behind in the ring. So Eddie Dennis is taken out of the match right away by Dave Mastiff. I only really recognize Mark Andrews in this match as he has been in TNA before and reminds me of Bart Simpson for whatever reason. So apparently, the attack by Zack Gibson also took James Davis out of the match and it's a 4 on 2 situation with Rob Lynch and Mark Andrews on their own against The Origin. I typed in my RevPro review that if you're going to watch a promotion for the first time you're going to need to be able to create a series of six action figures for that promotion- six of their own characters, not guys like Michael Elgin who could be considered an ROH guy- and if you can do that the promotion will be successful. Well, I'm not even sure I'd consider Mark Andrews to be a "TNA guy", so we could really make that first series of six figures just from this match, so, yeah, I'd say PROGRESS is too legit. I should look up how much El Ligero weighs and see if he could be in the GCC. Rob Lynch somehow hit a belly-to-belly suplex on Dave Mastiff and even a commentator said "holy fuck". This show is not for the kids, folks. After a huge spot outside of the ring, Eddie Dennis has returned and is going right after Mastiff. Dennis somehow picks up and slams down Mastiff. Eddie Dennis then flies to the outside of the ring and takes out The London Riots when The Origin moves out of the way. Mastiff hits a huge cannonball on James Davis but it's only good for a two count. One half of The London Riots hits a spear and it's all over. I feel like this was too much odds being overcome. How bad does this make The Origin look when they cannot beat two men or even two sort of healthy men and two injured men? Seems like it hurts more than help, but whatever. It was a decent match but anything over four people involved usually loses me in the mess anyhow. One of the Riots guys says something about them being tag team champions and he swears a lot but I think it's just a UK thing, like they don't think about it as much as we do in the USA.
Match Eight: Marty Scurll (c) vs. Tommy End (PROGRESS World Title Match)
This is also my first time seeing Tommy End- though I've heard of him before- and he is going up against one of my new favorite wrestlers in Marty Scurll. This was a great match up until it screwed the pooch at the end. Mikey Whiplash (Go ahead, try not calling him Mikey Whipwreck) came out, hit Scurll with a chair causing the DQ and then beat down his former tag team partner Tommy End. At least Mikey Whiplash did it proper by giving the man he really hated- Tommy End- the DQ loss. Most wrestlers just come out and attack the guy they hate so that person still gets the DQ win. But yeah, these two had a really great match going so for it to end like this is almost as much of a shame as ROH Global Wars 2016 but not quite as bad. I'd say not as bad as ROH Global Wars 2016 but not as tolerable at WWE Payback, as far as main event finish screw-jobs go. So yeah, there's that. I mean, is this Tommy End really such a big star that he couldn't have done the 1-2-3 for Marty Scurll, the champ, and then go and get attacked by Mikey Whiplash post match? This is probably why I'm not a booker though.
This is also my first time seeing Tommy End- though I've heard of him before- and he is going up against one of my new favorite wrestlers in Marty Scurll. This was a great match up until it screwed the pooch at the end. Mikey Whiplash (Go ahead, try not calling him Mikey Whipwreck) came out, hit Scurll with a chair causing the DQ and then beat down his former tag team partner Tommy End. At least Mikey Whiplash did it proper by giving the man he really hated- Tommy End- the DQ loss. Most wrestlers just come out and attack the guy they hate so that person still gets the DQ win. But yeah, these two had a really great match going so for it to end like this is almost as much of a shame as ROH Global Wars 2016 but not quite as bad. I'd say not as bad as ROH Global Wars 2016 but not as tolerable at WWE Payback, as far as main event finish screw-jobs go. So yeah, there's that. I mean, is this Tommy End really such a big star that he couldn't have done the 1-2-3 for Marty Scurll, the champ, and then go and get attacked by Mikey Whiplash post match? This is probably why I'm not a booker though.
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