Monday, March 14, 2016

Movie Review: 3 Headed Shark Attack

This isn't really so much of a "movie review" as it is a warning to people who might want to watch this.    I've seen enough bad movies in my day to write a book just about bad movies, but this was one of the worst movies I have ever seen and not in a so-bad-it's-good way either.   I put this on (via Netflix) because Rob Van Dam is in it and I figure anything with Danny Trejo can't be that bad, but this was just awful and RVD was barely in it.   If you are like me and think this could be a cool shark movie with RVD in it my best advice to you is: don't waste your time.

There was a time when I said that the biggest problem with modern horror movies is that the characters who are being murdered are stupid and we, as viewers, have no reason to care whether they live or die.   In that way, I feel like a lot of viewers began cheering on villains like Jason Vorhees, hoping for the dumb teenagers to meet their bloody doom.    "3 Headed Shark Attack" goes above and beyond the idea of wanting to see inferior characters die-- it's just plain boring.

One scene which happened somewhat early on in the movie and had me convinced as to the eternal question of "Why am I watching this?" was when the main group of characters was stuck on the island and had to get to a boat but the shark was in the water.    So one guy decided to be the hero and swim to the boat.    He made it safe, but was an idiot so he didn't know how to fix the boat.   So another guy swam after him.   Then a girl swam out there.   And so on.   People just kept swimming out there for seemingly no reason and you knew eventually they'd be eaten by the shark.

This scene lasted maybe ten or fifteen minutes- I don't know I wasn't timing it- but it felt like forever.   It also just felt like watching people waiting in line with little effective when they moved forward.   Have you ever waited in a really long line at an amusement park, say for a rollercoaster?  It felt a lot like that.   Only instead of waiting in line for the ride yourself, just imagine standing there, watching other people wait in line and slowly move forward.     That's what this scene felt like to me and really the movie on a whole.

I didn't realize until after I looked this up online that it was the sequel to "2 Headed Shark Attack" which featured Brooke Hogan (Yes, really) and while I remember that movie being particularly bad I don't remember it being this bad.     The only good thing about "3 Headed Shark Attack" is that I am not watching it right now.   If you value your time at all (And you should) you'll skip this one.   Trust me when I say it isn't bad in the way you want to see-- it's just bad in the way that it should be skipped.

No comments:

Post a Comment