Thursday, May 7, 2015

Cassette Review: Static/Voice/Static "Clitz & Hitz"

[SOLD OUT // Edition of 5 //]

"Clitz & Hitz was a special cassette created by Static/Voice/Static that could only be purchased on April 20th, 2015 between the hours of 4:20am and 4:20pm.   It was, you guessed it, $4.20 and is no longer available for obvious reasons so if you slept on it then I'm not sure what to tell you now.   There were only five of these made with different artwork on each, but don't fret entirely because if you'd like to you can still listen to the music digitally (ugh) because when the time came to buy this you were too busy with your Afroman, Sublime, 311, Cypress Hill and what not else playlist.

Side A is full of space lasers which ultimately come into whirrs and there are audio clips for almost the entire time.   I'm not 100% sure what the audio clip is taken from but if I had to wager a guess I'd say either "Reefer Madness" or a Republican convention because the clips are of people speaking out against the harms of marijuana, like, "What are you doing walking around with all those marijuanas?"    I always find such things to be hilarious because we need to- as a society- get over the idea that marijuana is a gateway drug and it is a commonly known fact that it is impossible to overdose on marijuana.   It is a plant.   It is being used medically now.    How can that be bad??

If anything, people should look further into avacado and the affects that guacomole has on me.    Maybe someone should make those expensive little bastards illegal.  I want to eat them like they're going out of style and all people say is how good they are for you, and yet they cost so much money that when I go to a burrito place it says on the menu that avocado is priced at what the market currently is.    What other food has ever had that distinction?   Someone needs to look into that but it won't be me!    Also, why are my two favorite foods- my food addictions of guacamole and wasabi- both green?  I want answers.

On Side B there are Darth Vader type of static bits with space bliss.   Do you ever think Darth Vader sounds the way he does not because he has asthma (Thanks, Spaceballs!) but because he's actually got a way of smoking worked out in there.   What if "Star Wars" was just a lot of Darth Vader being high and in reality none of it ever happened?   Who knows what kind of space drugs George Lucas was into and it was even the 1970's!!  THE SEVENTIES!!  THE KIDS OF TODAY SHOULD DEFEND THEMSELVES AGAINST THE SEVENTIES!!!

Some of this music begins to remind me of Illegal Wiretaps, as there are these sort of computer generated vocals coming out and it just takes a turn for the darkness.   It also has that ghost in the machine type of feel to it, even though any ghost found on this cassette would simply be a bong cloud.   (I sent a note in my payment for this cassette, I wonder if they got it)   Did you see that video where Afroman punched a woman on stage?  Will there be a song about that?  "I was gonna shake her hand, but then I got high / Knocked that bitch right the fuck out and I know why / Because I got high / Because I got high / Because I got high"

One thing that has never been fair to writers is that we cannot drop our microphones at the end of a review like a comedian does to be cool.   The only way to do something similar would be to drop my laptop and that might break it.   So take this as my imaginary mic drop.   Just picture me, saying this all to you, and then dropping the mic before this paragraph.   If you don't know what I sound like, my voice is a pleasant mix of Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher.   And if you don't know what I look like then why would you want to based upon that voice description?


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